13 Symptoms of depression we never talk about

Living with depression can give us a whole range of symptoms. Some are quite well known, such as low mood, sleep difficulties, and limited energy. Other symptoms are less well-known, or less talked about. Our depression may bring symptoms that we find embarrassing. Because of the silence around them, we might feel as though we’re the only people in the world to experience them. However the truth is many of us share the same symptoms – we just don’t talk about them. Drawing on the lived experience of our community, we’ve identified 13 less-talked about symptoms of depression.

1. CRYING OVER NOTHING

We can cry over things that appear like nothing. It can be something as small as not being able to match up all the socks in our load of washing. We can feel permanently tearful. Absolutely anything can set us off.

2. FEELING ‘NOT THERE’

Sometimes we find ourselves losing time. We realise we have been staring into space for minutes or hours on end. Sometimes we feel detached from our environment. At times it can feel like there is a space, or an invisible wall between us and other people.

3. FORGETFULNESS

We forget where we left our keys, what time an appointment was, that we were supposed to pick the dog up from the vet. We have to write everything down. If it’s not written down, we will forget it (and sometimes we forget it even if it is written down).

4. GUILT

We feel guilty for letting our family and friends down, for using up professionals time, for just not being enough. Guilt gets us about pretty much everything and it can completely swallow us up.

5. IRRITABILITY

We spend so much time trying to cope, that if anything goes a little bit wrong, or alters our plans, it can make us snap. We feel irritable and little things that happen, that wouldn’t normally wind us up, can tip us over the edge.

6. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

We can be trying to go about our day when intrusive thoughts make an unwelcome appearance. Sometimes we can be cooking tea, and thoughts will appear with different ways we should hurt ourselves. We can walk down the street and intrusive thoughts will pop up, telling us to harm ourselves. They can seem to enter our brains with little or no warning and they can be completely overwhelming.

7. LIMBS MADE OF LEAD

It can feel as though our limbs are made of lead. We make a cup of tea, but lifting it to our lips feels impossible – our arms are too heavy. We want to walk to the shop over the road, but too heavy to move. Doing anything at all feels like wading against a strong current with rocks weighing us down.

8. LOSING OUR LIBIDO

Depression can cause us to lose our libido. Sometimes the medication we take for our depression can also cause loss of libido, or can make it worse.

9. PERSONAL HYGIENE

We often struggle with personal hygiene. We don’t care about ourselves enough to keep up with it. Because we’re low on energy, we don’t do it unless we prioritise it. We stop cleaning our teeth as often as we should, if at all. We stop washing our hair – we stop washing full stop. Hairbrushes go out of the window, as do visits to the hairdressers. Our PJs stay on for days on end. We don’t shave. We become embarrassed by the way we smell, the knots on our hair and the dirtiness of our hands. However uncomfortable and embarrassed we feel about it, we still struggle to motivate ourselves to fix it.

10. PROBLEMS WITH FOOD AND DRINK

Depression can destroy our appetite which can cause us to lose weight. It can also cause us to comfort eat, or to try and eat away the empty feelings which can cause us to gain a lot of weight. We sometimes rely on takeaways and ready meals because we don’t have the energy, motivation, or brain space to cook. That can lead to an unbalanced diet. Many of us struggle to drink enough which can result in headaches, tiredness, and feeling sick. We can also experience digestive problems such as acid reflux.

11. STRUGGLING TO LOOK AFTER THE HOUSE

General household tasks can feel like insurmountable obstacles. We end up leaving our sheets for months on end. Brushing the crumbs from the table to the floor instead of getting a cloth out. Resorting to crockery we haven’t seen in ten years instead of washing up (or giving up on crockery entirely and eating out of the packet). We don’t invite people over because we’re embarrassed by the mess we live in. Our houses stop feeling like homes but we don’t have the energy to fix it.

12. TOILETING TROUBLES

Depression can cause our bowels to do different things. It can lead to wind problems which can be incredibly uncomfortable. It can cause our bowels to work too well or not well enough. Sometimes it can affect how well we are able to wee. Depression doesn’t just affect our mind, it affects our bodies, too.

13. USING NEGATIVE COPING MECHANISMS

Sometimes we self-harm. Some of us use alcohol to cope with our feelings. Others will use cigarettes or non-prescription drugs. Some people might use different behaviours around food. Others may develop problems around shopping, or gambling, or sex. Resorting to these behaviours can feel shameful. It can make us feel hopeless, but we are not alone.

How Cellphone Use Can Damage Your Relationship

A study from 2015 found already serious potential for damage in conflicts over phone use.

Do you feel neglected when your partner is on their phone? Does your time together get disrupted by texts, emails, or games? Has technology intruded on your romantic relationship?

You're hardly alone.

A new study from Brigham Young University examined how technology interferes with relationships. The researchers concluded that "technoference” can be damaging not just to a relationship but to your psychological health as well.

While the big 3 disputes for couples' arguments used to be sex, money, and kids, it seems smartphones are rapidly rising up that list. 

The study included 143 married or cohabiting women, the majority of whom reported that phones, computers and other technology devices were significantly disruptive in their relationships, couplehood and family lives. Specifically, higher levels of technoference were associated with greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. Further, it seems greater levels of smartphone and other relationship technoference makes people more depressed and lowers their overall life satisfaction.

While few would be surprised to discover technology can be a source of annoyance and conflict for couples, this study is one of the first to report that a person’s engagement with technology can actually make their partner depressed.

Why does a person’s phone use (as a primary culprit of technoference) have such an impact on the mental health of their partner? After all, cars are also sources of conflict as many couples tend to become tense and argue when driving (about directions, speeding, music choice, etc…) but they generally don’t lead to the person in the passenger seat getting depressed.

What is it about phones?

The answer? When your partner attends to a phone instead of to you, it feels like rejection—it hurts. Feeling ignored when your partner is on their phone can feel as bad as being shunned.

When a conversation, meal, or romantic moment is disrupted because of a text, email, or any other task, the message is, “What I’m doing on my phone is more important than you right now,” or, “I’m more interested in my phone than in you,” or, in some cases, “you’re not worthy of my attention.”

It is because the other person is likely to experience such moments as rejections that technoference can literally impact their psychological health. Rejections, even small ones, tend to be extremely painful, as your brainresponds the same way it does to physical pain. Even mini-rejections, such as a partner turning to the phone in the middle of a conversation, can elicit the common reactions rejections cause—hurt feelings, a drop in mood and self-esteem, and a surge of anger and resentment. Over time, these small wounds can fester and increase conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and lead to a drop in life satisfaction and an increase in symptoms of depression.

5 Tips for Resolving Technoference Conflicts

If you think technoference might be causing problems in your relationship, consider working with your partner to address the issue through these 5 steps:

1. Assess the extent of the problem. Once you and your partner become more mindful of the issue you will be able to assess together whether and to what extent screen usage is actually disruptive to your interactions and your time together (as opposed to when it is non-conflictual, not disruptive, essential, or mutual).
2. Acknowledge usage that is valid. Technology is often a necessary or unavoidable part of someone’s job or responsibilities (like a physician on call). It is therefore important to recognize the demands of jobs, social or parenting obligations, or other situations that necessitate screen time.
3. Agree on fair expectations. Discuss with your partner ways you can find a better balance between being responsive to obligations and demands and minimizing intrusions into your relationship or your family life.
4. Create technology free zones. Try to agree on places (like the bedroom) and times (mealtimes or after 9:30 PM) that you can both set your phones or tablets aside to spend time together without having to worry about technoference.
5. Define exceptions and resolve future hurdles. Make sure to cover potential exceptions or future problems that might arise (like a crucial forgotten work task) and how best you could handle them without interrupting whatever you are doing together in that moment (like making a note to remind yourself to do it later).

Time for changes before our relationships take over our human feelings! Wake up before it is too late!