How Cellphone Use Can Damage Your Relationship

A study from 2015 found already serious potential for damage in conflicts over phone use.

Do you feel neglected when your partner is on their phone? Does your time together get disrupted by texts, emails, or games? Has technology intruded on your romantic relationship?

You're hardly alone.

A new study from Brigham Young University examined how technology interferes with relationships. The researchers concluded that "technoference” can be damaging not just to a relationship but to your psychological health as well.

While the big 3 disputes for couples' arguments used to be sex, money, and kids, it seems smartphones are rapidly rising up that list. 

The study included 143 married or cohabiting women, the majority of whom reported that phones, computers and other technology devices were significantly disruptive in their relationships, couplehood and family lives. Specifically, higher levels of technoference were associated with greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. Further, it seems greater levels of smartphone and other relationship technoference makes people more depressed and lowers their overall life satisfaction.

While few would be surprised to discover technology can be a source of annoyance and conflict for couples, this study is one of the first to report that a person’s engagement with technology can actually make their partner depressed.

Why does a person’s phone use (as a primary culprit of technoference) have such an impact on the mental health of their partner? After all, cars are also sources of conflict as many couples tend to become tense and argue when driving (about directions, speeding, music choice, etc…) but they generally don’t lead to the person in the passenger seat getting depressed.

What is it about phones?

The answer? When your partner attends to a phone instead of to you, it feels like rejection—it hurts. Feeling ignored when your partner is on their phone can feel as bad as being shunned.

When a conversation, meal, or romantic moment is disrupted because of a text, email, or any other task, the message is, “What I’m doing on my phone is more important than you right now,” or, “I’m more interested in my phone than in you,” or, in some cases, “you’re not worthy of my attention.”

It is because the other person is likely to experience such moments as rejections that technoference can literally impact their psychological health. Rejections, even small ones, tend to be extremely painful, as your brainresponds the same way it does to physical pain. Even mini-rejections, such as a partner turning to the phone in the middle of a conversation, can elicit the common reactions rejections cause—hurt feelings, a drop in mood and self-esteem, and a surge of anger and resentment. Over time, these small wounds can fester and increase conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and lead to a drop in life satisfaction and an increase in symptoms of depression.

5 Tips for Resolving Technoference Conflicts

If you think technoference might be causing problems in your relationship, consider working with your partner to address the issue through these 5 steps:

1. Assess the extent of the problem. Once you and your partner become more mindful of the issue you will be able to assess together whether and to what extent screen usage is actually disruptive to your interactions and your time together (as opposed to when it is non-conflictual, not disruptive, essential, or mutual).
2. Acknowledge usage that is valid. Technology is often a necessary or unavoidable part of someone’s job or responsibilities (like a physician on call). It is therefore important to recognize the demands of jobs, social or parenting obligations, or other situations that necessitate screen time.
3. Agree on fair expectations. Discuss with your partner ways you can find a better balance between being responsive to obligations and demands and minimizing intrusions into your relationship or your family life.
4. Create technology free zones. Try to agree on places (like the bedroom) and times (mealtimes or after 9:30 PM) that you can both set your phones or tablets aside to spend time together without having to worry about technoference.
5. Define exceptions and resolve future hurdles. Make sure to cover potential exceptions or future problems that might arise (like a crucial forgotten work task) and how best you could handle them without interrupting whatever you are doing together in that moment (like making a note to remind yourself to do it later).

Time for changes before our relationships take over our human feelings! Wake up before it is too late!

The Lure of the Comfortable Job

The most dangerous job you can have is a comfortable one.

Comfortable is a quicksand — the job you never wanted becoming the job you can’t escape. Worse than no-job, frustrating job or a demanding job, is a job that demands nothing. Like taking basket weaving your senior year. Sure you’ll get an easy A, but what did you lose in return? There is a stark cost for time wasted on comfortable. Because you don’t grow with comfortable. You don’t learn. You don’t refine who you are or what you’re capable of. 

No, comfortable is the leading cause for R.E.A.S – Rapidly Expanding Ass Syndrome. Your body, mind, and soul turning to goo. Because challenges refine. Remove challenges, remove growth. The crux of your life is not how much you make, but how much you learn, grow, and change. Those of us who refuse to change, as Professor Robert Quinn writes in Deep Change, will enter into a “slow death”. 

3 Signs Your Job is Too Comfortable (...and it’s probably time to leave) 

 

1. Culture of Complacency 

Need to know if your office suffers from complacency? Pretty simple. How are new ideas received? Are they explored or instantly exploded with a shotgun of “that’s not possible.” 

Are the unspoken rules of the office to keep your mouth shut and not rock the boat? Are you allowed to tackle projects outside your “job description?” Does your boss want to work there? Does your boss’s boss want to be there? 

"Complacency is a disease. Extremely contagious. Easily passed from one employee to another." 

If your office permeates with a culture of complacency, especially from the top down – game over. Pack your bags. Time to leave. I’m serious as a heart attack. Because you are the one who comes in with new energy and ideas and therefore you will be crushed over and over by tsunami waves of complacency. Until you shut your mouth, settle in, and catch the disease yourself. In a culture of complacency there is a sick, perverted love affair with status-quo. And honestly, you’re probably not going to change it. 

2. You Feel Drained By Doing Nothing 

If you come home absolutely drained from work. If you need to watch 2-4 hours of TV a night to escape. Then you think back to your day and realize you really did nothing at work. You’re really just drained because your mind wasn’t stimulated. 

"You’re drained because you spread one hour of actual work over a span of eight." 

Being drained by comfortable is a scary way to start living. Because it’s incredibly hard to escape. Like a carousel ride that never stops spinning. Jump and roll. Now.

3. “We Want to Promote You” is the Phrase you Fear Most. 

If the idea of being promoted makes you more nauseous than the time you ate cotton candy and three churros before jumping on the spinning teacups ride, then why are you freaking working there? Simple as that. I can hear lots of  “but Pierre you don’t understand…” No, I do understand. Comfortable is the drug.

Comfortable Will Kill You.

Comfortable is like smoking — addictive and killing you with every puff. Better to quit before it’s too late. 

What do you think — is a comfortable job as dangerous as I’ve made it out to be?

I would be interested what experience you made within your uncomfortable environment.

Slàinte mhath!

Changes in the Rearview

Since quite a while I am looking around and speak with several people coming from different backgrounds. Wondering if everyone else is suffering from the same I came alway across the same question: How do I change my life? 

Let me highlight a story from Joshua to you, told from his own perspective, which inspires me quite a lot: 

"I spoke with a man in dire straits recently. This man, let’s call him John, laid before me many of his problems: A crumbling marriage. Massive debt. Low income. An unhealthy lifestyle. Peter was unhappy, depressed, and frustrated with where he was in life, so he asked me for my advice: he wanted to know how I had changed so many things in such a short period of time.

I explained to Peter that I didn’t have any advice for him. I told him he knew his situation better than I ever could, and he likely knew what to do. Then I asked what advice he’d give himself if he were in my shoes.

John spent the next fifteen minutes explaining, detail after detail, exactly what he would say to himself to fix his marriage, get out of debt, increase his income, and regain control of his health.

I smiled and said, “All that sounds like great advice! Too bad our own advice is the hardest pill to swallow.”

But, of course, he didn’t like his own advice because it was too gradual. Plus, his advice wasn’t easy: he had recommended only small, incremental changes that wouldn’t likely make a huge difference right away.

Instead, he wanted the magic pill—something that would radically change his life immediately. He wanted instant gratification, but his advice seemed so basic—so intuitive—that it couldn’t be what I did to change my life. And I obviously had the short cut with this whole minimalism thing, and he wanted my secret.

I told John that while I had no advice for him, I could tell him how I changed my life, and he could see whether any of those changes were applicable to his situation, and if they were, he could use my life as recipe, tweezing out the relevant ingredients to apply them to his own recipe for living. Then, for the next fifteen minutes, I simply echoed his advice back to him, changing a few details to make them fit my life.

You see, I didn’t have a magic strategy, either. It took me two long years to change my life—one small change at a time.

Two years ago, I was also unhappy, in debt, out of shape, and stuck.

It took me two years to pay off most of my debt and establish a minimalist budget. I focused on paying off one creditor at a time. I allocated every extra dollar to pay off my car. I sold my house and moved into an apartment. I got rid of any superfluous bills like cable TV Internet, and satalite radio.

It took me two years to get into the best shape of my life, exercising every day and completely changing my diet over time.

It took me two years to give less meaning to my physical possessions, focusing instead on important relationships, personal growth, and contribution.

It took me two years to get away from Corporate Life and pursue my passions. None of it happened over night. And it certainly wasn’t easy, but a lot can change in a year or two. I changed my life by focusing on small changes each day. I focused on those small changes one at a time, not on everything I wanted to change. And then, one day, I looked in the rearview mirror and everything was different."

You want to change? Let's get changes done, once a time.

Read also my last blog post about "The Things We Are Prepared to Walk Away From"

Cheerio & Slàinte mhath 

The Things We Are Prepared to Walk Away From

The year just started and I am usually not a big fan of these "New Year Solutions". However, for me 2018 is the year of changes. Happiness, success and satisfaction should become more focus rather letting stress, disappointments, depression, fear and anger overtake my life. As a business owner, partner and father of two kids it is most importantly to stay focused and let negative energies go.

After I wrote my last blog I started thinking what I was hoping to achieve in 2017 and what I actually approached. Many things have been successful Then I thought about the "WHY?" which I usually do when I have to analyze something. 

Note: Sakichi Toyoda, one of the fathers of the Japanese industrial revolution, developed the technique in the 1930s. He was an industrialist, inventor and founder of Toyota Industries. His method became popular in the 1970s, and Toyota still uses it to solve problems today. Toyota has a "go and see" philosophy. This means that its decision making is based on an in-depth understanding of what's actually happening on the shop floor, rather than on what someone in a boardroom thinks might be happening. The 5 Whys technique is true to this tradition, and it is most effective when the answers come from people who have hands-on experience of the process being examined. It is remarkably simple: when a problem occurs, you drill down to its root cause by asking "why?" five times. Then, when a counter-measure becomes apparent, you follow it through to prevent the issue from recurring.

 

But then I thought "What are you prepared to walk away from?" This oft-unasked question shapes one of the most important principles in my life. We are all familiar with the age-old theoretical situation in which our home is burning and we must grab only the things that’re most important to us. Of course, most of us would not dash into the inferno and reach for material things first—we’d ensure the safety of our loved ones and pets. Then, once they were safe, we’d grab only the irreplaceable things—photo albums, computer hard drives, family heirlooms. Everything else would be lost in the conflagration.

I tend to look at this situation a tad differently, though, taking the hypothetical a bit further:

There is a scene in Heat in which Neil McCauley (Robert De Niro) says, “Allow nothing in your life that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat.” Although my life isn’t anything like McCauley’s (he’s the movie’s bad guy), I share his sentiment. Almost everything I bring into my life—material possessions, ideas, habits, and even relationships—I must be able to walk away from at a moment’s notice. Many of you will disagree with me because this ideology might sound crass or insensitive, but I’d like to posit that it is actually the opposite: our preparedness to walk away is the ultimate form of caring.

If I purchase new possessions, I need to make certain I don’t assign them too much meaning. Being able to walk away means I won’t ever get too attached to my belongings, and being unattached to stuff makes our lives tremendously flexible—filled with opportunity.

If I take on a new idea or habit, I do so because it has the potential to add value to my life. New ideas shape the future Me. Same goes for new habits. Over time my ideas change, improve, and expand, and my current habits get replaced by new habits that continue to help me grow. Our readiness to walk away from ideas or habits means we’re willing to grow—we’re willing to constantly pursue a better version of ourselves.

If I bring a new relationship into my world, I know I must earn their love, respect, and kindness. I also expect they, too, are willing to walk away should I not provide the support and understanding they require. This means we must both work hard to contribute to the relationship. We must communicate and remain cognizant of each other’s needs. And, above all, we must care. These fundaments—love, understanding, caring, communication—build trust, which builds stronger relationships in the long run. It sounds paradoxical, but our willingness to walk away actually strengthens our bond with others. And the opposite stance—being chained by obligation to a relationship — is disingenuous, a false loyalty birthed from pious placation.

There are obvious exceptions to this rule. There are certain things we cannot easily walk away from: a marriage, a business partnership, a job that pays the rent, a passion. The key is to have as few exceptions as possible.

Naturally, even these exceptions aren’t exceptions for everyone. Marriages often end, as do businesses. People get laid off, and passions change over time. Even though we might not be able to walk away from these things in “30 seconds flat,” we can ultimately walk away when these situations no longer add value to our lives (or worse, when they drain value from our lives).

Everything I allow into my life enters it deliberately. If my home was aflame, there’s nothing I own that can’t be replaced: All my photos are scanned. All my important files are backed up. And all my stuff has no real meaning. Similarly, I’m prepared to walk away from nearly anything—even my website, managing events, or planning tours — if need be. Doing so safeguards my continued growth and improves my relationships with others, both of which contribute to a fulfilling life, a life of meaning.

It was C.S. Lewis who, 50 years ago, eloquently said, “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” In today’s material world, a world of fear-fueled clinging, his words seem more apropos than ever.

Bring on 2018, positive energy and also HAPPINESS

Your Past Does Not Equal Your Future

You needn’t be defined by your past. And certainly, your future does not have to look like your past, unless you allow it to.

Sure, certain parts of your past were great, but…

The popular kid isn’t necessarily popular now. The college quarterback doesn’t always make it to the NFL. The child actor often doesn’t make it to the big screen.

Conversely…

The high-school nerd became Bill Gates. The freshman bench-rider became Michael Jordan. The poverty-stricken, abused girl became Oprah. Sometimes the mighty fall, and sometimes the fallen embrace greatness. Sometimes you think you are not enough, but then you discover that you are more than enough.

If the past equaled the future, then your windshield would be of no use to you; you would simply drive your car with your eyes glued to the rearview. But driving this way—looking only behind you—is a surefire way to crash. Instead, it’s important to occasionally acknowledge your past—to check your rearview from time to time—while staying focused on the road in front of you.

We’ve all made mistakes and bad decisions in the past. We are all human. We can, however, take the lessons from those bad decisions and start a new future, starting with this moment. In fact, a more accurate snapshot of your potential future is the present moment. What you’re doing right now will shape your future far more than your past. And with every new moment comes a new present, a fresh start. Take advantage of this moment. Your future depends on it.

Slàinte mhath!