So, here I am ... pretty much exactly one year back in Good Old Germany and feeling like a complete Ausländer. You wonder what that word means? I tell you.... it's basically like an Outlander but not seen from the perspective of Jamie & Claire with their more or less Scottish/English romantic story of standing stones swallowing them and spitting them out hundreds of years in the past. No I have not shouted for freedom like William Wallace the last 10yo of my life living in Scotland. But have been living for a decade in the UK, all my routes got a bit shaken up, stirred, twisted, muddled up .... you name it. Not that I am complaining, not at all, I learned a lot the last decade. I am very glad that I had the advantage to learn and live another culture. But I want to make it clear... not the British culture (oh hell no), the SCOTTISH ! People with an incredible warm welcoming, great sense of humour and even more: Innovative!
One of Scotland’s most famous attributes is its world-renowned reputation for providing a warm and open welcome to everyone who comes there. Whether it’s the many people who choose to live in Scotland permanently, or the millions who visit each and every year, you’re sure to hear many stories of the genuine friendliness of the Scottish people. Today in Scotland, more than 170 different languages are spoken – from Punjabi to Polish, and Cantonese to Gaelic. All these different people contribute to making Scotland a great place to live, work, study, visit or do business in! Their diversity is something that they’re incredibly proud of and they continue to make great strides in ensuring Scotland is open to everyone. Whether it’s the thousands of refugees they’ve welcomed with open arms, or the fact that they rank as one of the best countries in Europe for LGBT rights and equality, Scotland truly is a melting pot of inclusivity.
But back in Germany I had to re-learn to deal with the following:
#1 Put on your house shoes
And I most certainly don’t step off of the Bettvorleger, because there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect! So cold you may go into some kind of morning shock. That’s why you need house shoes! They are requirements of Germanism. Yes... I am back at house shoes.But really cool ones. I come bak to that a bit later. I would like to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, since I'm back I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer. Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.
#2 You have your own duvet
#3 Breakfast or Breakfeast
Coming from Scotland, I was very surprised again to see how important the kitchen is to the German people. The Scots tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge. You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out. Sometimes it turns into the party centre of your house party - but this I believe happens in every culture. However, the living room is the heart of the home.For the Germans, it’s a different story, they are happiest and spend the most time in their kitchens. It’s the most practical room in the house. You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating. They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.
German breakfasts are not meals, but elaborate feasts. If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments. It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.
The first time I experienced breakfast in a German house, it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread. I forgot you could legally combine chocolate and bread, it was quite a revelation. Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt again to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.
The worst gameshow I’ve ever seen was an English one called “Touch the truck”. It’s premise, if I can be so generous as to call it that, was that lots of people touch a truck and then we all wait, the last person to let go off the truck, wins the truck. It sometimes feels like German breakfasts work on a similar premise, only the truck is breakfast.
#4 Planning, Preparation, Process
So far, so good. Look at me, I'm up early, got the radio on, no doubt some Depeche Mode or any other good old tunes are blasting out, I am eating a slow and ponderous German breakfast, I am acclimatising very well, turning lowly from an Expat to an Ausländer.Now I need to enter the headspace of the Germans. If I want to be one of them again, I need to think like one, which is a big task and I'll cover it in more detail in later steps. But for now, I start accepting the three central tenets of Germanism. The three P’s. Planning, Preparation, Process. Although this is part of my profession ( and I am passionate about that to be honest) it's a complete game changer if a full blood German is executing the 3 P's!
Being a good German is about understanding the risks, insuring for what can be insured, preparing for what cannot. You are your own life’s project manager. Plan and prepare. Make spreadsheets, charts and lists. Think about what you’re doing each day and how you can make it more efficient. Oh my god - am I still so German? I notice I do this often myself.
Is it possible you arrange your shoe storage so that the most used items are nearer the top, reducing bending time? Although It’s taking you nearly a full minute to get your shoes on, buy a shoe horn! Optimise your processes! Can you hear the sarcasm here?
Just because they call it spontaneity, doesn’t mean it can’t be scheduled. There’s a time and place for fun, and it’s to be pre-decided and marked in the calendar. All else is frivolous chaos. So sit down now and make a plan for the day, then the week, then the month. Then book your holidays until 2026. To make it easier, just go to the same place. How about Mallorca? All the other Germans go there, there must be something to it.Well with the hole Covid pish they started re-thinking to explore their own country again. And to be honest.... here ar beautiful places as beautiful as Mallorca can be.... well almost. But don't get me started on the process "Germans and the vaccination process". This is getting that mad that I feel like a complete alien when this topic comes to the table. "What? You're not vaccinated yet? Needs to be planned and proceeded in time." Yeah ... back to square one: Planning, Preparation, Process.
#5 Get some insurances
Don’t be surprised if the Germans you meet all have personal insurance advisors. Some of my old friends communicate with their insurance advisor more often than I do with my partner or my kids. If someone invented insurance insurance, an insurance against not having the right insurance, we’d all be treated to the sight of 80 million people dying of happiness.
#6 Dress seriously
Plan made for the day? Insurances in place? Great. Good work! Now it’s time to change out of your house dreses and head outside to face the day head on. You’re going to need to get appropriately dressed.*WARNING! AUSLÄNDER! WARNING!* Outside is this thing called nature, nature is fickle and not to be trusted! It dances to its own illogical, changeable tune. Best dress on the safe side. You need – expensive outdoor clothing! After all, you’re going outdoors, it’s called outdoor clothing, therefore it must be necessary. At all times, you should be dressed for a minimum of three seasons. Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers, the trousers that zip off into shorts. If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots. The Germans consider anything else an act of ankle suicide.
#7 Speak German
Every nation has done things it should be embarrassed about. Dark acts in its history. The Germans are no exception. You know of what I talk – the German language of course. And I want to point it out again: Just because I have a German passport doesn't mean I am fully one of them. Okay I speak the language because I got raised with it. But even I have realised that Deutsch is mostly an incomprehensible jumble of exceptions. A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.The bad news is that to fully blend with the Germans, you’ll need to learn it. In principle, it’s not that hard. It works in two stages. Learning words and learning the grammar. Learning words is fun (even I had to learn again), most are even similar to English I realised now, thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist. This I find quite funny to see ith my partner... things like that ar normal for me to say but it's rather difficult for her. But she is making great process!
Then, confident at all the little snippets you’ve already accumulated, you’ll start learning the grammar, the putty that builds your mutterings into real, coherent German sentences. This is where you’ll start to feel cheated. German grammar is impenetrable nonsense.
English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room. Giving and taking from other languages. Trying to make you like it. Keeping it simple. My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits. It was forced to evolve in a way that German had not been. German retained the grammatical complexity of Old English maybe.
Take genders as an example, present in Old English, still present in German, yet assigned utterly arbitrarily. Sure, there are some sort of vague guidelines about how words end or that almost everything to do with time is "der". That’ll help you with maybe 30 per cent of nouns. That still leaves 70 per cent that you’ll have to learn by heart so you can decline correctly.
You’ll waste so much time memorising genders (NATIVE TIP: never learn a noun without its article, going back later and adding them in is very time consuming and inefficient). Yet, without knowing the gender of the noun, you can’t accurately decline the endings of the sentences, nouns and adjectives or adverbs. Which is utterly pointless anyway, and does next to nothing to increase comprehension but without it you’ll say very embarrassing things like "einer grosser Wasser", instead of "ein grosses Wasser". I know, cringeworthy.
Of course there are far harder languages to learn than German, that’s not my point. English also has its stupidities, like a staunch commitment to being unphonetic. The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly. German just plonks you down in front of a steep mountain, says “Viel Spass” and walks off as you begin your slow ascent.
When I came back to Germany and started speaking the language again on a daily base, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language. First you need only respect it, later you can learn to like it.
#8 Get some more qualifications
When I lived abroad I was given the impression that “While in Scotland, it’s he who drinks the most and doesn’t vomit on his shoes, that gets the girl". Here it’s more he who knows the most about philosophy that gets the girl”. That’s of course a total an exaggeration but his the nail in some ways.But the Germans, on account of their excellent school system (at least in comparison to the British), and the extraordinarily long time they tend to study (they’ve adopted the Bachelor/Masters system and your standard occupational training within a dual education system) are an intellectual bunch. As a result, they also tend to have a great number of qualifications before they even start their work life. When you see it in a longterm perspective it is surely the better way, but it's shocking for me coming back out of an era where school took 10yo as standard and then you dive int your occupational training and you've been sorted.
Vanity always needs an audience, it’s no different with intellectual vanity. So the Germans needed to create situations in which they could gently remind other Germans how much more qualified they are than them. An outdated idea in British culture, where everything is on a first-name basis, I am Adam, he is John, it’s what in our heads that shows our qualifications and intelligence. Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, or also B.A. or M.A. ... none of this first name over-familiarity. Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.
You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a training in roofing or standard business management training, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.
#9 Obey the red man
I think the often exaggerated stereotype that Germans love to follow the rules all comes down to one little illuminated red man. Guardian and God of the crossing pedestrian. To dare challenge his authority and step gingerly out into a completely empty road when he is still red, is to take great personal risk. Not of getting run over, the road is completely empty after all. Bar being struck by an invisible car, you’re safe. No, what you really risk is the scorn, the tutting and the shouts of “Halt!” from nearby Germans. Who will now consider you an irresponsible, possibly suicidal, social renegade.Halt! Await the green Ampelmännchen. Consider it an elaborate exercise in self-control. You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.
#10 Drink Apfelsaftschorle
Germans fear any beverage that doesn’t fizz. It brings them out in a cold sweat. It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “Classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “Classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right? Oh no. Millions of years of water history have been conveniently forgotten. “Classic” means carbonated, of course. You big silly. Learn to like it. If not, when visiting the homes of your new German friends, you’ll request tap water and they’ll look at you like you are some primitive savage they just found in the woods covered in a blanket of your own hair.Related to this is Apfelsaftschorle. You know in movies when people go to therapy and then the therapist asks them to create a happy place. A safe, tranquil spot they can turn to when the world gets too big and scary. Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home? For Germans, that happy place is swimming naked in a lake of Apfelsaftschorle. Tired after a long day of stamping and form filling, confronted with a 15-page long restaurant menu, baffled by the burdens of choice, they always retreat to their happy place and order Apfelsaftschorle. It’s steady, reliable.
For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better. Then some bright spark tried adding a little apple juice to that fizzy water. Creating something equally refreshing, but 6 per cent more fun! It was a near riot. People were not ready. It was almost too fun. An all-night discoparty for the tastebuds. Of course, it won’t taste like that to you, with your funny foreign pallet. Apfelsaftschorle will taste to you as it really is, a fractional improvement on water’s boring taste.
#11 Eat German food
Here, meat is the linchpin of every meal. Being a vegetarian here is probably about as much fun as being blind at the zoo. The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.
In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote. You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut. Fear not, I’m giving it an entire entry of its own…
#12 Eat Sauerkraut
#13 Look for a job
#14 Learn how to open a bottle with anything but a bottle opener
The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738. The only logical reason why Germans can open bottles with just about anything, except bottle openers, must be that bottle openers didn't arrive here until 2011. Since then they've been viewed with suspicion and anyone caught using one declared a witch and burnt at the stake. I remember there was a website that every day, listed a new way to open a beer bottle, over 365 days. Some said they'd run out of ideas by the end, when they suggested opening it on the edge of a Turtles shell. Germans didn't read the blog, they knew all these ways already. Turtles shell? Easy, come on. Try and think of something a little more imaginative. Don’t you dare suggest a bottle opener.So Ausländer, you need to learn at least 10 ways. Two of which must be with a lighter and a spoon. Turtle shell method optional but not discouraged.
#15 Say what you mean
English language is not about what you say, but how you say it. German is both, but more the former. Since what Germans say tends to be direct and prepared with minimal ambiguity. Ruthlessly efficient, if you will. In English, for example, if you want something to do something for you, you do not merely go up to that person and ask them to do something for you. Oh no. That would be a large faux pas of the social variety. Instead you must first enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this little thing for you. You will be eternally grateful.Germans do not dance around the point in such elaborate, transparent displays of faux-friendship, they just say "I need this, do it, by this date. Alles klar”? Then walk off. Once you've practiced regularly getting to the point, you may find the way to be short but very enjoyable. As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes. If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".
#16 Speak freely about sex
It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss. As if, oh I don't know, it was a completely normal part of life. An act so common there is even compelling evidence our lame parents engaged in it. Germans understand this. Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such. It's like walking the dog or taking out the trash. Nudity is extended the same perfunctory familiarity. Particularly around lakes in the East of the country, with their history of FKK. When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"#17 Love your car
It's very time consuming for German men to have to keep pulling their penises out for comparison against the other men they meet. It also tends to be rather distracting for other people present. So they've evolved other ways to rank themselves, the favourite being cars. When my girlfriend told her father she had a new English boyfriend, his first question, before my name, job, interests, age etc "what kind of car does he drive?" Germans are serious about their cars. They're also pretty good at making them. Possibly those two are also related, but since I can't think of any jokes in the linking of them, I'll conveniently ignore that and just move on.#18 Eat German bread
Anyone who doubts how seriously Germans take their bread is either a fool, me, or both. Germans are serious about bread. This is reflected in their bread, which is serious. As opposed to that fluffy white English nonsense, which they see as an unforgivable waste of yeast. A child's finger painting masquerading as high art. It's true English bread is of the soft and cuddly persuasion. Sometimes I'm not sure whether to make a sandwich with it, or just sort of climb in and have a little nap. It's a bouncy castle for the taste buds. I can see how you wouldn't like that. Frivolous. In comparison when I see German bread, I have the urge to thump my chest and shout "Jawohl". It packs quite the visual punch. Important is the weight (ideally more than an average new born baby), the colour (rich and dark, like, em, um...swamp mud) and the texture (slightly damp concrete). If dropped, there is an expectation that it should shatter into a thousand pieces.#19 Eat Mett with onions, salt and pepper.
Germans are known for eating solid and hearty grub. There's a reason they jokingly refer to themselves as Kartoffeln (potatoes) – no visit to the Bundesrepublik would be complete without a plate of sausage, sauerkraut and mash. But delve further into the depths of German cuisine and your senses will be confronted by smells, tastes and sights you'll soon regret politely accepting. The Local has scoured least appetizing aisles of the German diet to bring you the ten foods most likely to make your stomach turn. On special occasions such as birthdays throughout Germany, the host could well bring out a glistening mound of pink meat, often shaped like a hedgehog. But while you might expect them to fry up some burgers with it, they will instead slice up the spikey creature and start eating it as it is – raw. Also add raw onions, lots of salt and pepper on top of the raw meat. I actually adore it.
Germans also like sculpting Mett into all sorts of different shapes. The Alternative for Germany political party made a huge plate of it with their initials on top after winning 14 percent at the Berlin state election. Some Germans have even started serving Mett in the shape of a penis.
#20 Know the answer is to bring Kartoffelsalat
You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell. After finding dogs too easy and maliable to his whim, he set out to look for a tougher challenge, one that has until now, received less attention. Discarding the bell, and keen to work with people this time, he devised another ingenious experiment in conditioning only this time on the entire nation of Germany. You may not have heard about it, but if you've witnessed the effect. His goal was that when anyone said to a German "You're invited to a party" or "Let's have a BBQ" they would instinctively think "I'll make a Kartoffelsalat". Needless to say, if you've been to such an event and seen seven stacked tubs of Kartoffelsalat, you'll already know it was a perfect success. And don't you dare thinking to buy Kartoffelsalat already made and just put it into a bowl making look like its home-made. Germans taste it, smell it, feel it and you will look like a fool. I speak from experience.#21 Prost
#22 Carrying cash
As much as barter seems attractive — I can see the convenience of going to the mall without carrying around gold ingots or cows — it strikes me as a pillar of civilized society that you can purchase anything with rectangular plastic cards that fit in your pocket and can be used anywhere in the world. Well, anywhere except Germany.
German credit and debit cards are issued by banks mainly as collector’s items. When you try to use them in cafés, bars and small stores, they have the same value as Pokemon cards (although they’re not as cute) and are often rejected.
Bottom line: in Germany you need to carry cash. At first it’s going to be disturbing, but you’ll get used to it and you’ll be able to pay for a meal by leaving a wad of cash on the table without feeling like a drug dealer on his lunch break. I promise.
#23 Paper or it didn't happen!
For a country known for its meticulous recycling culture, I am struck by Germany's extensive use of unnecessary paper. In fact, in 2020, each German used an average of around 280.6 kilos (617 pounds) of paper, making the country one of the world's largest paper consumers, and the largest among the G20, followed by the US.Despite these concerning figures, if something is not written on paper it simply isn't valid here, so prepare to write a letter if you want to terminate any contract, make sure to print receipts you receive via email and generally forget about PDFs. Keeping a hard copy of practically everything is very important.
#24 Holy Sunday
This may come as news to you, but in Germany there are only six days a week. Sundays are still to be found in the calendar, and they definitely appear time and again after a Saturday, but apart from that I have to wonder if they actually exist.All stores are closed, apart from some cafes and restaurants, public transport runs less frequently and even in the capital Berlin, everything feels slower. And, it doesn't seem to bother most Germans. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely in favor of at least one resting day a week, if not more, and I fully appreciate the strong culture of workers' rights here. But as a full-time worker, I sometimes wonder: Wouldn't you want to be able to run some errands on Sundays, too? At least sometimes?
In Scotland, for example, working weekends are often the
only chance to earn money or at least to go shopping i a 24/7 ASDA shop. My free days were simply other days of the
week and it never have been a strict 7 til 4 work day. This way everybody can still get their days off — and get a
double pay on Sundays, for instance — but businesses are open seven
days a week.
#25 Plastic, paper, carton, glass?
True, there must be easier ways to do this that don't involve separate locations for plastic bottles and other plastic rubbish, for example, but the bottom line is: Everyone should recycle more, so I'll deal with the extra burden for the time being. And all the other German customs? I might need five more years to get used to the rest of them.