LinkedIn And The Humblebrag

A few years ago I happened across a meme that showed the five main characters from that great movie, ‘The Breakfast Club,’ and it likened them to various social media sites.  

I believe that the best memes have the ability to condense complex issues into one humorous image that people ‘get’ in an instant, and this meme excelled in achieving that.  The five markedly different characters are forced to spend a Saturday together in detention, and over the course of the film we get to know, and like, each of them.

Judd Nelson’s character is ‘the Criminal’, an angry rebel who can be abrasive and cruel, but also surprisingly kind and compassionate.  He shares traits with 4Chan, a community that has been described as,“lunatic, juvenile... brilliant, ridiculous and alarming.”  If you are not familiar with 4Chan, it is probably best keeping it that way.

Emilio Estevez, as ‘the Athlete’ is likened to Facebook.  He admits that he is unable to think for himself and that he is a bully.  These are traits that have sadly become more and more synonymous with Facebook in the 3 years since the meme was originally published.

Ally Sheedy plays ‘the Basketcase’, a girl who is a fascinating, unfathomable, deeply complex character, prone to eccentricity, introspection, and fabrication.  I’m not an expert on Tumblr, but this matches with the little that I do know about it.

Molly Ringwald is ‘the Princess’ or wannabe prom queen, who craves attention and popularity.  She introduces herself by announcing, “Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular, everybody loves me so much at this school.”  It transpires that her battling parents are horrendously unpleasant and that she wants to escape her reality by surrounding herself with love and affection.  That sounds like an allegory of Instagram.

Finally, Anthony Michael Hall plays ‘the Brain’, a serious nerd who is focused on achieving the best grades that he can manage.  He is a member of the math, physics, and Latin club, and acquired a fake ID, not to buy alcohol or cigarettes, but to gain the right to vote.  He represents LinkedIn, although members of other sites such as Reddit and Quora have tried to claim him as their own.

 

Different platforms, different behaviours

The reason that I mention this is not to self-indulgently reminisce about a classic movie, but to highlight how different social media platforms have very different personalities, cultures, users, goals and ways of conducting themselves.  Members typically operate in a certain way on different sites.  However, I have been noticing an increasing number of humblebrag posts on LinkedIn, which I would normally expect to see on Instagram or in the more tedious corners of Facebook.

For those who do not have English as a first language, let me allow to use Urban Dictionary to explain what a humblebrag is.  They loosely describe it as when somebody consciously tries to get away with bragging about oneself by hiding behind an inauthentic show of humility. This type of insincerity is not very pretty when seen on LinkedIn (least of all to North-European eyes who I believe have a lower threshold to it). 

The increased number of humblebrag posts got me thinking about what I considered the role of LinkedIn to be to me.  I see it as a great resource to connect, keep up to date with old colleagues, pick up industry knowledge, explore career options, gain inspiration, have exposure to new working practices, exchange and develop ideas, etc.  It is a business tool and it has lots of great uses.  It is not Instagram, or Facebook, and it is most definitely not 4Chan.

We all may have accidentally over-shared in a state of excitement about winning a new client, or doing something cool (I'm sure I have), and this article most definitely is not about that.  Nor is this anything to do with our profile pages, which by their very definition are our best sides, hidden away, unless someone wants to check them out.  I am writing about the intentional and endemic ‘blowing of one’s own trumpet’ on the main feed that wilfully crosses the boundary between ‘of interest to many’ and ‘self-promotion’ and just keeps on travelling into the territory of cringe.

 

Why do we frown on humblebragging?

People who intentionally brag can be tiresome.  They suck the joy out of normal interactions and suffocate conversation.  Their need to brag often stems from insecurity, low self-esteem, a fear of abandonment, a lack of social-awareness or a need for aggression.  So perhaps we should pity them, rather than become irritated?  Maybe, but some form of irritation is a valid response to someone purposefully attempting to elevate himself above us (and it tends to be a him in my experience).

  

In the Nordics, they have a wonderful way-of-being which they call the ‘Law of Jante’.   It is an informal code of conduct that warns against being overtly personally ambitious, and denigrates those who try to stand out as individual achievers by bragging. Did you ever wonder why virtually all of the Scandinavians that you meet are so likeable?

The humblebrag is a more considered and inauthentic form of brag and receives greater opprobrium due to the deceit and manipulation involved. A study has shown that humblebraggers are seen as less likeable, less competent and less likely to influence others.  They are even seen in a dimmer light than the common-or-garden braggart.

 

Shouldn’t we just let this go and mind our own business?

I think this issue matters because these kinds of posts dilute the great, inspiring, and helpful content that circulates on LinkedIn and diminishes its utility.  I also think it creates an arms race of braggarts trying to outdo each other with more frequent and more inane posts in an attempt to stand out. 

The excellent LinkedIn Commentator Mike Winnet has also noticed the rise of LinkedIn's humblebragging and is speaking up about it.  He thinks a backlash towards the humblebrag is on its way, but warns of the looming threat of 'struggle porn' that may replace it – tiresome posts by people claiming to have woken up earlier, worked harder and endured more to succeed than you or I. 

 

What do you think?

My favourite saying is that none of us are wiser than all of us, so I would really value any feedback on these reflections and the questions that I am left with.

1. Are there informal ‘rules of behaviour’ on LinkedIn?  If not should there be?
2. Am I just being over-sensitive and should I pipe down about the humblebrag.
3. Is one of LinkedIn’s roles to be a tool to fish for compliments and provide an ego massage when needed?
4. Where is the line between tedious bragging and an interesting update?
5. Is anyone aware of people who have been forced to post on LinkedIn by their employer?

We are the community.  We make it what it is.  Surely we can exert some influence over the environment.  Perhaps by not engaging with humblebrags they may diminish?

How to manage a relationship during isolation

Here in UK on the 23rd March, Prime Minister Boris Johnson put the country under lockdown, banning all non-essential travel and telling people to stay at home unless they meet one of a few criteria.

These include shopping for food or medication, travelling to work as a key worker or your once-daily form of exercise. With many of us now being made redundant, being on furlough, working from home full-time or simply looking after children due to school closures, this is an impact on our relationships. 

I, myself, realise the dramatic change in the routine, the flow and the dynamic within the family. 

But whether that is a couple who are both working from home, a whole family with children who need to be entertained or housemates who are finding communal living difficult, it is not yet known how long these measures may last. While it is not yet known, I have read that divorce lawyers have already forecast a spike in splits later this year due to self-isolation.

I was wondering and looking for any ideas of how to do better since it is surely not wrong to look out for advise. I found out that Aidan Jones, chief executive at relationship charity, Relate, says: “Our relationships will be hugely important for getting us through this unprecedented time but self-isolation, social distancing and concerns about issues like finances may also place them under added pressure.” 

So how can you ensure tensions do not arise and if they do, are quickly dispelled? That is what I found:

With your partner: 

Don’t make assumptions about how the other person feels

The coronavirus is unprecedented, not only on a societal level but for your relationship – you may have dealt with testing times before but this is likely to be a new experience. Relationship therapist Aoife Drury says the key is not to assume the other person will feel the same way about everything you’re going through. “Often we feel that others are experiencing the same emotions or thoughts that we are. 

“Assumptions breed resentments as they lay down false expectations. The antithesis to assumptions are clear and open dialogues so avoid mind reading. None of us have experienced this before so we will all cope with this differently and that’s okay.”

Keep communicating

With so much going on and tensions running high, it can be hard to keep an open dialogue – especially if you’re feeling scared or upset. But Drury says it is key to keeping your relationship solid throughout. “This heightened anxiety may create strong negative emotional reactions; anger or frustration. When experiencing these emotions try and stay mindful of your responses. 

If you’re struggling with your anxiety and how you respond, the best thing you can do is communicate. Giving yourself time or telling your loved ones you’re struggling and that you may react uncharacteristically. Of course this doesn’t justify being cruel but helps ease the possibility of reacting in a way that you might regret and add to stress.

It is very easy to slip into the blame game when we are stressed and it doesn't help anyone..."

Relationship psychotherapist Kate Moyle tells The Independent: “Communication is key. Try and be as clear as possible with each other. If you are frustrated or stressed then try to use ‘I’ statements to communicate how you are feeling. ‘I feel’ is very different to ‘When you x, I x’ or ‘You make me feel’, it’s very easy to slip into the blame game when we are stressed and it doesn’t help anyone.”

Accept these circumstances are going to be testing

Aidan Jones from Relate says that you do need to give yourself some period of grace – this is an unusual time for everyone. “Understand that with the best will in the world, rows are quite likely in these circumstances. It’s how you deal with them that counts. If you tend to argue or bicker then accept that you may transfer that onto what you each think about the virus.

“You may want to know as much as possible about the situation whereas your partner may prefer to take each day as it comes. Remember that there are many different ways of coping in stressful situations and your way isn’t the only way.”

Try to put big arguments on hold 

Although it is normal to expect some tension during this ongoing situation, you shouldn’t use it as a chance to vent all of your ongoing relationship issues says Jones, some things will need to be parked. “Big and difficult conversations may need to be put on hold while you deal with the current situation – this is especially true if one of you is ill or thinks they may have symptoms,” he says.

“You may have elderly parents or other family members with health problems and you may have particular worries about these people. Try to understand if your partner needs to prioritise these people at the moment. Choose your battles and weigh up if they are worth it at this time.”

Ensure you aren’t just working all the time

If you and your partner are struggling to manage working from home and your relationship then try to establish clearer ‘home life’ and ‘work life’ from now on. Moyle says that it can be hard at the beginning to separate the two and this can have a detrimental impact. 

“If you are working at home, there will still be home and life admin to do – set a time for this. It may feel like the house is a tip or needs cleaning, but make an executive decision to do this outside of ‘working hours’. Many of us will struggle with working from home as it limits our capacity in different ways, so try not to pile extra home stress on work stress.”

Murray Blacket, a couples counsellor, says: “If you are working from home try to establish a routine. Don’t work all day in your pyjamas. Make sure you build in breaks – tea, coffee, meals. If you have a garden go outside for an oxygen break. Don’t work all hours”. 

Moyle also recommends finding shared interests or activities to do together so that you have something to share that isn’t just housework, like a new Netflix series. 

For the whole family 

Establish a routine

It can be tricky to establish a routine when your whole day happens within four walls but it is crucial for long-term success. Drury says: “The brain loves patterns and hates randomness, so to give it some patterns to ease it.

Moyle agrees: “Make your own routine. Children especially thrive on routine, but it’s helpful for adults too. It can be particularly challenging if there is more than one of you working from home, so try and carve out time to be spent together and time to be spent apart. E.g. at 11am you all sit down and have a coffee together.”

Set family goals and expectations 

Couples therapist Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari says now we know we’re likely to be indoors for a long time, sit down with your family – especially your children – and discuss how this is going to work. 

For example, children will be expected to do homework at this time, or help with laundry and the dishwasher. “If you and your partner are now working from home, be aware that this is a change of the unspoken contract between you. Talk about expectations and if you need to change up certain responsibilities,” she says.

Dr Ben-Ari also thinks this is a good opportunity to come up with a family project. “[It is] a great way to occupy everyone and do the things you’ve wanted for years but didn’t think you had the time. Organise all your old family photographs into photo books – the perfect way to reminisce, bond and pass the time.”

Designate areas of the house 

Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford says even if you live in a one-bedroom flat you should try to designate different areas as ‘work’, ‘chill-out’, ‘privacy’ and ‘interaction’. 

“If you are not living alone, sit down quickly to draw up rules about these spaces, so that your partner or flatmate or child know what happens where. You wouldn’t go to the loo in the kitchen sink, so similarly everyone needs to know that ‘that sofa is for chill-out’ not for work.

Moyle suggests making activity corners in different spaces. “ It will help you to feel that you are doing things differently. Have a book or reading corner, an art corner, a building games corner.”

While making these spaces, Blacket says it would be a good idea to make a “timeout zone” – this isn’t necessarily just for children. “When we are stuck close together the opportunity to be by yourself for a while is important,” he says. Take a short break in this space and do something you want to do for yourself – whether this is writing a diary or watching a quick TV show.

Don’t avoid answering kids questions about coronavirus

Many parents probably feel like they don’t want to talk anymore about the coronavirus – especially as it is the reason you are stuck in the house in the first place. But if children have legitimate questions and you refuse to answer them this could cause more tension.

Drury says: “Kids are smart and will have lots of questions. Shutting down questions will only create confusion, upset and anxiety. Talking to them about what is happening in a factual way can alleviate that. Take your cues from your child and prepare but don’t prompt for questions.”

Treat each other with kindness 

Regardless of who you are sharing your home with during self-isolation, every relationship can be improved with kindness. Beresford says: “Recognise that everyone is going to be feeling some strain. Even children who are delighted to be off school will sense there is a negative backdrop to it all. Practice gratitude, and daily thank those around you. 

“Pat yourself on the back every day for what you have dealing with, and extend such generosity of spirit to those you live with. If you feel yourself about to snap at anyone – or berate yourself – try the ‘5 second breather’ technique: inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds.”

Source: Independent